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Application for Employment

"Devilman calling..."
- Zombie, Astrocreep 2000
I'll make you work for me anyway
Please take the time to fill out the following aptitude test so that I might better determine your strengths and weaknesses as a potential carbon-based asset of Satan-O-Phonic,INC.(tm).
What is your human-language designation? (Name)

What is your digital surveillance network locator? (E-Mail Address)

Please Answer the following Yes or No questions.
Have you ever pulled the wings off flies? Yes. No.
When (if still) a child, did you steal lunch money? Yes. No.
Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party? Yes. No.
Have you ever donated to a church? Yes. No.
If raised Catholic, have you ever used birth control? Yes. No.
Ever kicked a puppy? Yes. No.
Ever stolen candy from a baby? Yes. No.
Ever mentally undressed a nun? Yes. No.
Ever tempted a one? Yes. No.
Do you enjoy bashing puppy brains onto the sidewalk? Yes. No.
Contemplated spitting in the communal wine? Yes. No.
Ever done so? Yes. No.
Can you construct explosives? Yes. No.
Ever played a "Satanic" game, such as Dungeons & Dragons or Ouija? Yes. No.
Does Satan-O-Phonic,INC.(tm) own your soul? Yes. No.
Ever steal office supplies? Yes. No.
Slipped Someone Ex-Lax in their chocolate milk? Yes. No.

Which of the Ten Commandments have you broken? (Check all that apply.)
1)Thou shalt have no other gods before the Lord.
2)Thou shalt not create a graven image.
3)Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain.
4)Thou shalt keep the Sabbath holy.
5)Honor thy father and mother.
6)Thou shalt not kill.
7)Thou shalt not commit adultery.
8)Thou shalt not steal.
9)Thou shalt not bear false witness.
10)Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's possessions.

Multiple Choice.
You are alone in store. There is a package of cookies sitting right there, no one is watching. You *HATE* cookies. Do you:
A) Leave the cookies alone.
B) Smash the cookies and leave them there.
C) Hide the cookies so that no one else gets them.
D) Steal the cookies.
Darth Vader is:
A) A tragic example of twisted evil.
B) A Mockery of all things holy.
C) The Epitome of Evil Genius and my Father Figure.
D) A weak puppet of the Emperor.
Censorship is:
A) A sick and twisted example of irresponsibility to the human race.
B) A tool to keep the masses cowed and stupid.
C) Wrong.
D) Something that the government does that I have problems with.
Evil is:
A) The butter on my bread, bay-beeee.
B) A work of the devil.
C) My responsiblity as a human.
D) What one must strive for if one is to RULE THE UNIVERSE AND ALL THE MINDLESS KINE WHO WOULD CALL THEMSELVES HOMO SAPIENS.
Which personal problems can be solved by careful application of explosives?
A) A Break-Up with Boyfriend/Girlfriend
B) Sick Mother In Law
C) Loss of Job
D) All of the above
With an enemy, do you:
A) Turn the other cheek?
B) Do Unto Them First?
C) Do Unto Them as they have done unto you?
D) Do unto them, thier children, thier children's children, thier pets, their neighbors, and the trees and shrubs in their yards?

Describe, in single words, only the good things that come to mind about your mother.


Which Division of Satan-O-Phonic,INC.(tm) are you applying for?
Division:
Previous Experience
Briefly describe extra qualifications are to be considered for the position of Mindless Minion of Darkness, previous experience beating up other kids for milk money, etc.
Satan-O-Vision, Evil, and Hell are trademarks used and abused by Satan-O-Phonic,INC.(tm). Use them, and start planning your funeral.
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